Ask HN: The place have you ever discovered neighborhood exterior of labor?

What’s interesting is that people who had lived in that neighborhood nearly 20 years together had never talked, and met for the first time as both stopped to chat at nearly the same time.

Then we started with small gifts, usually food because my wife cooks exotic things for people to try. Now we get random gifts, usually food or fruits or some flower or plant.

Now we have little get togethers inviting each other, text to ask if need anything from the store, etc. And all it took was being willing to sit outside for a couple hours each night and say hi.

I know my neighbors well enough. We check each other’s mail when they’re away and will help out in other ways.

But I have lots of friends to keep up with outside of my neighborhood — people I have a lot in common with — my neighbors, not so much. If they wanted to talk with me each time I saw them coming or going, I would likely start actively avoiding them so I could get on my way.

The biggest thing to put aside are first impressions/biases – ie, treating people that you wouldn’t normally think you’d be friends with the same. As a lot of my neighborhood are older than we are, that was a lot of people. In a way it’s like coworkers, you can’t pick them, but some end up being great friends.

It also helped to have a really outgoing child. She’d go riding her bike around the neighborhood, and a few people stopped by because “the little girl on the bike said I should come meet you guys.”

I will say it was easier, to me, to do so when first moving in. I personally would feel weird if I’d lived somewhere a long time and never bothered to meet anyone, then started acting more social out of nowhere. But that’s probably just in my head.

Just make a cute little “gate” (it doesn’t even need the gate) with flowers at the end of the walkway near the sidewalk, and add in a table and some chairs (or move them out when you go to sit).

Being at the sidewalk vs being 20-40 feet away on a porch makes a huge difference.

I have a question. What kind of place do you live in? Is it houses that are apart by some distance -lawns/treelines separating y’all etc-, is it houses that are built next to each other, is it duplexes/townhomes etc?

What’s funny is I picked it because I was tired of having bad neighbors in my previous city. I told my wife this way, I can have bad neighbors, but at least they’ll be bad neighbors way over there (pointing). Nearly everyone I’ve met in this neighborhood said that they picked it for the same reason. And they are the best neighbors I’ve ever had. So…try to find a neighborhood full of people who want to be away from neighbors?

I used to live in a suburb with literally 10x the density, and the only time I ever saw my immediate neighbors was if we both happened to be walking from our front doors to our cars at the same time.

The playborhood people did a similar thing to GP: “Mike also made another simple-but-radical move: In a neighborhood in which front yards are for admiration only, Mike installed a picnic table, close to the sidewalk, where he and his family often sat, so that people walking by would have to talk to them.” https://archive.is/uLa77#selection-749.0-749.254

If you don’t like small talk, a great way to interact with neighbors is to offer your help, e.g. if you see someone doing work outside, gardening, etc… offer to lend a hand!

Which is kinda funny as my wife hates it and wants to move because gardening here is really hard-to-impossible, but she doesn’t want to give up our great neighborhood, so we’re at an impasse.

But you can’t do a “midwest” style garden.

Composting can be a great way to improve the soil, but it takes years to really get going. But if you’re going to be there for years …

And maybe you could even get “donations” from neighbors! I know one person who setup compost jars for her neighbors to get more compostables.

Among other things that have resulted from it:

One of our neighbors invites everyone over for 4th of July every year. We have a block party where we block off the street once or twice per year. Neighbors have been over for backyard parties, my wife goes to birthday lunches with the wives on the street, and there’s a giant text thread where people ask for help/etc for things.

During the first year of covid, we did a special neighborhood Halloween, where everyone on the block put out bags of candy for neighborhood kids to go house to house and pick up.

Is this usual in the region, or perhaps did I misunderstand you? Don’t the kids usually walk up to the doors and ring, and then you personally hand out candy to them?

So we arranged something in our immediate neighborhood – about 20 houses – to create a bag of candy for each kid in those houses. They left them on the lawn and each family with kids took their turn going around to each house to get their bag of candy.

So it was less “go to random people’s houses” and more “let’s get together and make sure halloween isn’t cancelled”.

Related to why I’ve had limited friendships. I’ve wanted fewer, high quality ones as overshooting my social needs is uncomfortable, and I’m a creature of habit. Used to overcorrect towards solitude and that backfires, but I’ve had friendships in the past where I dreaded having to meet.

I volunteer at a boat house on the city lake nearby, just putting kids on pedal boats and kayaks. I don’t even call it volunteering, I just love kayaks and water.

It’s amazing how your perspective of time and people and service shifts, when you spend some time being “in service” to other people, instead of anxiously counting hours that you’re being paid for — or could’ve been paid for — and maximizing “receiving”.

I’ve confirmed for myself time and time again the advice I’ve read: if you have a busy life and want to increase a feeling that you have more time? — try spending your time for free, for example, volunteering.

My anxiety has gone down a lot since I started doing this and I was able to meet some new people. Strongly recommend trying to volunteer with something you care about

I looked at volunteering about 15 years ago and from what I saw then, I have never entertained the thought again.

Seems a pretty overly strong statement, no? Is there any research in to percentage of non profit efforts that are/aren’t legitimate? Can you elaborate on “what I saw then” that made you think it was indicative of the entire idea of volunteer work?

I have had the opposite experience. All the best people in the world I’ve met have been volunteering for one thing or another. As a young tech guy I’ve provided general tech support to as many institutions around me as need it and I’ve never once felt anyone was anything but earnest. Feels unfair to write so much off. I hope you find an organization you would feel comfortable volunteering for again. It really does provide immense benefit to the mind/heart

I workout with Police officers, Lawyers, Doctors, Dentists, Stay at home moms, Accountants, Students, other tech folks, etc, you name it they’re all there.

There’s something about “shared misery” that brings people together and builds a comrade. That turns into a community where you start to hang out with them out of the gym/etc.

This happens at any group fitness place where the same people show up at the same time to do the same thing. It’s natural, organic and freeing.

I’ve moved across the country 3 times now and this is how I integrated into each area I moved into.

Some people get turned off by the behavior of certain fans of UFC but in my experience the groups of people who are starting fights in pubs and people who are actually showing up to intense physical training on a regular basis are mutually exclusive.

I joined a rugby team that is open to everyone but highlights lgbt inclusivity in sport. We practice twice a week, have games, and have other events. I’ve made so many good friends from the team it’s hard to keep up with them all.

Staying fit with them is an added bonus.

Absolutely! I genuinely enjoy writing code at work, but I literally never do it in my spare time. I already spend a greater number of waking hours in front of my computer than I do with my friends and family (or playing music, or mountain biking, or…).

Anecdotally:
-drama clubs/local theatre productions
-run clubs: while running is typically fairly isolated, there are social run clubs in cities that often go for a drink (no booze necessary) post-run
-book clubs: random collections of people that discuss a book together
-dinner clubs: sharing food with folks in a way where different people cook for others in turn
-partying: most places have a community of folks that enjoy dancing and/or recreationals

Note that I believe that the strong relationships can come from overcoming a shared struggle, so if you can think of something that’s difficult and with one or more other person/people, you will probably form a community around it over time (co-founders and cohorts are a great example).

The order of importance, I have found community here in:

– Swing dancing, both classes and going to shows with live jazz bands to dance (I was never a dancer before moving here)

– Lifting (there are great locally owned gyms in this neighborhood)

– Getting to know people who own or work at local businesses

– People who have similar tech interests, that I meet from a mixture of the previous 3 places

Finally, and I think this is a really important thing to do, I try to organize events, either in my home or in any one of the local parks in the summer, where friends I’ve made in different parts of my life all get together and also get to know each other

This is generally the thing Seattle is missing — people that organize and then tell people to show up at X place on Y date. Most of the time, it’s a million people that all say they would love to hang out more, but nobody ever makes solid plans.

We’re thinking of moving, but housing prices are incredibly high and volatile.

And I completely agree about event organization! It really introduces you to a wider swath of people than your initial search may have turned up.

Way to go!

I’ve been trying to find a space that has a similar energy as my old university CS lab. There was a bit of a perfect time in my final year, whereafter 2+ years most people seemed to know each other and at the same time everyone was specialising in their degree. So you could walk into the lab and find people working deep in their own game engine code, others would be working on ML models and others may be working on mobile apps or websites. But with a sense of overall camaraderie and sharing of what you’re working on and why.

I suppose it just sounds like I’m describing something like a WeWork but when I’ve attended those they seem much more employee focused and I rarely saw employees of different companies talk to each other.

I also realise that some of what I describe is often fulfilled by talking to others at your workplace, I’m fully remote so I am missing out on that part.

If anyone knows of anything similar to what I describe above in or near London feel free to reach out to the email in my profile!

For what you’re more closely describing I’ve found local programming meetups in a few major cities that happen at local bars and restaurants to be like that, mostly just people coming in and working on their projects (Either personal or together), maybe not on the same level as what you had in uni but definitely worth checking out too.

Of course it will not be for everyone, but if you are open to it you can try.

I have seen my congregation rally around new parents, people with mental health conditions, and other such common struggles. Serving others is a great way to feel that you are part of a community. Church can be a great framework for that kind of thing.

Everyone is welcome to even attend Mass (they just don’t receive communion) and participate in activities that we organize. We also have many support groups for elderly, grieving families, young adults and so on.

Additionally, if you want to do volunteer work, contact the closest Catholic Church. You can join pretty much all of the events regardless of your background.

We are not some “exclusive” membership, the doors are open.

Example: You need a job, you know your great buddy Bob has a spot that you could hop into, he knows you pretty well and that you’re not an idiot, so he hires you on the spot into a job you never would’ve had the qualification for otherwise.

Denominations are different flavors of Christianity, and which denomination you visit is important. I’m personally a member of “The Episcopal Church,” which I find to have a very small amount of dogma and is tolerant of a wide range of beliefs. The theological dogma can be summarized in the “Nicene Creed,” which is a pretty short list of what the church holds to be true (and even if you as individual differ, TEC is chill about that). After that, members of The Episcopal Church are more united in what they do together rather than what they believe togther – songs, taking communion, common readings, etc. The Episcopl Church is generally one of the more liberal/progressive churches around (we ordain women and LGBTQ individuals into the clergy and perform same-sex marriages, for example).

Otherwise, it’s a nice group of people that I see every week. A lot of churches have a “coffee hour” or a meal after the service, and it’s a time to chit chat with others. They care about me and I care about them, and people check in on each other to see how everyone is doing. When we had a baby, people brought us food, and we always get cards in the mail for birthdays and such. It’s nice.

Since we’re a community of people, we can sometimes work together to accomplish things I wouldn’t be able to do on my own. We run a food pantry and we’ve supported families fleeing from bad situations (and not in abstract sense, but doing the legwork of finding an apartment in town and providing furniture and stuff). One family attends our services, and their kid is about my kid’s age, so we’ve become friends over that.

Again, I know religion can invoke strong feelings, so if the very idea is offputting, leave it alone, it’s fine. But for me, it’s been a community I’ve appreciated having.

At any rate, potential friendship is a weak rationalization for joining a religion when there are many avenues to do this.

However my predominant was going again to highschool to get a MBA, met a ton of those who approach.

What you need is named a “third place”, which has sadly died out in some ways not too long ago. A good way to only meet folks from completely different backgrounds with completely different pursuits.

I was a Rotary exchange student 20 years ago which completely changed the trajectory of my life (for the better), and was excited to help the next generation with becoming an exchange student. I was also involved with RYLA as a teen.

For a group facing an existential crisis, they didn’t seem too worried about it

I don’t think Rotary globally is facing an existential crisis, but it is in the US. It is very popular abroad but has been dying out in the USA.

Phone or in person is often the only way to get things done, unless there happens to be a tech-savvy person involved.

I like my wife, presumably she likes me, and having a person that cohabits with me that I get along with has honestly done a good enough job at making me feel a connection and purpose.

2- Neighborhood. We moved in this neighborhood about 10 years ago when all the houses were being built, and we socialized with the other families buying homes. Now we know almost all of the neighbors within a 5 minute walk. Aside from a couple weirdos, most people are really nice even if sometimes a bit shy. It’s great to be on cordial terms with the people who live around you.

2a- Poker. The guys of the neighborhood get together regularly to play Texas Hold ’em. Not for a lot of money, just to have something to do and people to connect with.

2b- Bunco. The gals of the neighborhood also have a regular gathering, generally audible for an eighth of a mile away, Bunco must be the funniest game in the world.

About half the states have a state guard. The organizational structure is military-ish, but we don’t have weapons. We wear essentially the same uniform as the national guard, and sometimes work with them, but it’s not related to the national guard except that we both report to the governor. The difference is the state guard ONLY reports to the governor and doesn’t have any federal connection.

Since I joined I’ve helped run a shelter after hurricane Harvey and run water distribution centers after the freeze 2 years ago. But most of the time I just do the same thing I do at my regular job.

When I joined they needed programmers. They need everybody, tbh. It’s not hard to qualify.

Discord is another, oddly enough. The story is a bit messy, but there was an “offical” server attacked to a subreddit for my location (think r/<MYCITY>). That was, frankly, a terrible server, but I eventually found myself migrating onto a splinter server with a few other folks who felt the same way and together we’ve cultivated our own community. Again, the space serves as a clearinghouse for ad hoc meetups, group coffees, GWD[1] teams, groups who go to the musical theater together, etc.

These online spaces are good examples of places that have cultivated norms around high psychological safety. In other words, behaviors that lower psychological safety are seen as destructive to the space. The high psychological safety there means that I can probably meet up with any random person in these spaces and be able to trade some degree of vulnerability with them and actually form meaningful connection.

1. https://www.geekswhodrink.com/

Contrary to common perception, Freemasonry isn’t a secret – or secretive – society. Usually, they’ll be happy to oblige.

I’ve by no means been happier in my life, and the sense of objective, neighborhood, and safety has by no means been increased. I will not espouse any non secular teachings right here, that is what the hyperlink above is for do you have to select to go to it.

Probably the most superb half is that it is real and reliable. It is all product of imperfect people to make sure, however you may be onerous pressed to search out extra reliable individuals who present a honest real curiosity and actually care.

The difference between this and say, a rec soccer team, is that it’s an all-or-nothing endeavor. You can’t “casually” become a Jehovah’s Witness (or any other religion), you have to decide that your entire life is aligned to those principles.

I’m not knocking it (here, anyway), but I would hesitate to join a religion to make friends.

I know at least for the Christian based religious groups I’m aware of, you don’t even need to share faith to be part of the community.

Believe it or not, they don’t get into fist fights when they meet someone of another faith either.

That’s not a thing. They’re probably among the worst examples of religion as a hobby.

She somehow ended up giving talks at church events and got invited to speak out of town (she would talk about subjects such as helping refugees etc).

Eventually though she felt like she was being excluded in subtle ways and being asked to give too much of her time.

I also went to a couplebbible reading events some years back (free food lol) as my gf used to be religious and wanted me to go along.

Everyone was nice, food was good, but I couldn’t get over how everyone in the group would listen to a story (which would literally make zero sense) and swallow it down as if it was a bed time story.

Religion is weird.

I think it’s fair to say that there are people who:

disbelieve x false things x for bad reasons.

Deciding what’s true can be a challenge.

It’s not too hard when you hear ridiculous stories and treat them as if they were to happen today.

The one I remember from the church event was about a big guy that couldn’t be subdued and then ended up breaking through chains.

So many questions from a single statement. Everyone else literally sat there and didn’t blink an eye.

Most faith communities I’ve been part of have had some form of space for questions and encouraged discussion about stories they have heard. I’ve found probably 1 in 10 people would start a discussion about this and maybe half would engage with it, suggesting community is a big part of the draw but also that for a significant minority, community is centred on some of these “big if they were to happen today” events.

I do think wrestling with our reality to understand the nature of the world is a pretty powerful force for creating meaningful relationships! But this depth can also be uncomfortable or abstract at times.

Maybe it hinges on which parts of the stories you imagining happening today.

E.g., if Jesus rose from the dead next week, I’d find it pretty thought-provoking. If he were merely crucified but stayed dead, I’d cross Christianity of my list of plausible world views.

I.e., a lot really depends on whether or not those miraculous events actually happened.

   but I would hesitate to join a religion to make friends.

Agreed. That isn’t what I suggested. I answered the question asked. Nowhere did I say somebody should attain to becoming a JW to have more friends. That’s the exact wrong reason in fact.

I don’t know anything about Jehovah’s Witnesses but certainly there are a lot of religions that are comfortable with people coming by out of curiosity and/or participating sporadically.

I think that’s how most people do it.

If you want to find out what we actually believe: https://www.jw.org/en/jehovahs-witnesses/faq/jehovahs-witnes…

Lets say all of those “transfusion alternatives” demonstrably fail, and someone has two choices left: Transfuse or Die; you might phrase that as “Transfuse or Pray”, but either way…

…What then? When all other options are exhausted, the prayers aren’t working, and your last chance to live involves transfusions, are they permissible?

How’s this: “literally expect you to die if you’re in need of a blood transfusion to survive”. Seems pretty much in line what what you espouse.

Nobody joins for purely the social aspect. “All or nothing” is fairly accurate.

For that matter, it’s debatable whether or not the believers actually believe things. They probably wonder themselves sometimes. They don’t often make a big deal out of it, if they do find themselves no longer believing… and there is a conceptual framework built into the religion (that of “loss of faith”).

Like the ancient religions, being willing to perform the rituals non-cynically is really the only requirement. You and everyone else already perform dozens of non-religious rituals and think nothing of it. What’s a few more?

I mean, don’t do it if you don’t want to. But don’t pretend the option’s not open to you. Even if there’s a clever believer there that somehow reads your mind, you’re not unwelcome at most of these places even then.

Sounds like any friend/social group that has strong political beliefs too? Was enlightening to see this in 2016 when I shared I didn’t vote for Hillary. Heaven forbid I voted libertarian, was like having a scarlet letter on my chest.

Also good for your friends, they were right.

You could say this community is implicitly a secular one, but OP’s answer frames things within HN’s guidelines.

I guess in the spirit of HN’s intellectual curiosity, we should at least acknowledge alternative life experiences here.

…until you decide it’s not for you and you are summarily kicked out and effectively exiled.

I am glad it works for you but JW acts like cult, and probably is a cult. I’ve seen first hand the damage it does to people who choose to no longer partake.

From this source: https://www.reddit.com/r/IAmA/comments/4zzruz/iama_exjehovah…

‘Those that depart the religion are referred to as “apostates” and are “disfellowshipped”, a time period for formal expulsion and shunning, the place members are “prohibited from speaking, and even from saying ‘hi there’ to them”.

The reason I ask is that there are a lot of people recommending churches (of various kinds) in this thread, and I take it most of the non-religious among us would very much not be comfortable regularly attending a religious organization’s meetings purely for community, while not believing any the things that organization believes. (With the exception of religious organizations that are explicitly accepting of people with any faith, such as Unitarian Universalists.)

To me, it’s sort of implicit in the question that what we are looking for is something you can show up to and get involved purely because you want somewhere to show up and get involved, without people side-eyeing you because of that or expecting something more than that (like a declaration of faith) in the months or years to come.

Some meetings are intended as outreach to non-Christians. E.g., to present reasons for being Christian, or to let outsiders see what a typical worship service is actually like.

Some meetings (or parts of meetings) only make sense for actual Christians: singing worship songs, testifying what they believe God is doing in the world, or taking communion.

I think a lot of awkward discomfort stems from lack of clarity on these points, and confusion about which attendees are professing Christians.

Some people think that because many of us have left other ways behind that we’re fanatical or something- nope, we just found something that makes more sense to us than anything else, and genuinely believe we’ve found the things most others are still looking for- meaning to life, answers to why things are the way they are, and a secure future.

We’re welcoming of anybody who wants to visit and check us out. We expect that if somebody doesn’t want to share in our beliefs that they’ll probably move on, and that’s fine. We aren’t about membership, we’re about showing people what the Bible says about things.

To that end, we’ve re-evaluated the Bible without any pre-conceptions, which is why a lot of other religious that believe in things like the Trinity or the immortal soul look at us as heretical or crazy. But, when we objectively looked at the Bible (KJV originally) we didn’t find those things, so we don’t believe them. Pretty simple really.

I think the pandemic definitely helped people realize that their job can’t be their only social outlet.

Kids school. Everyone is local, engage with the other parents/etc.

Local dog park. Get into a routine of regularly heading up at a similar time and you’ll get familiar with the others that do the same.

The community is amazing. I’ve had competitors help fix my car between stages, in pitch black, in the middle of the desert.

Volunteering is an easy way to get involved and is really appreciated! You go to interesting, sometimes beautiful places, help run timing, radio, etc.

You can also volunteer to help specific teams as crew. The driver will usually cover all your expenses to get to the rally and feed you. We’re building our next car atm (a VW Scirocco).

Check out NASA Rally Sport, American Rally Association, and CRC for those in Canada. There is never an off season, there are always events.

Note – if you plan to drive – start with RallyCross – and buy an already built car (it’s 1-2x cheaper).

At the right gym you’ll also find community.

Separately just being a regular at a bar is a very good way to get to know people, again you need to find the right spot.

I’m not religious but I know many people who find community there. Other places I’ve seen friends have success are gaming guilds/circles and fraternities (Mason lodges, etc.)

Speaking of which I grow my friend circle by meeting friends of friends and then developing my own first order friendships with them.

P.S. If you live in Seattle, and you’re a software engineer, shoot me an email: abner at handmadecities dot com

Lost interest in the geeky side of mechanics and electronics – they’re neccessary to buy, or make a body. Jeeps, Land Rovers and Toyotas seem to be favourites.

The thing I love about it is two-fold – first is building unique bodies never done before, using styrene. Second are the events, where you meet other RC geeks, see everyone else’s builds, take part in comptetions (individual and team events). In France there’s an annual event that runs a pretty sweet Camel Trophy event. SuperScale in Germany is amazing for having the longest 1:10 scale bridge seen in the hoppy. USTE (Ultimate Scale Truck Expo) in Florida USA holds the largest scale RC event I’ve attended/know of.

Axial Fest in the US is also a big deal in the calendar, but I’ve never been. They have a “float you rig” challenge which got me building rafts for my trucks. Herds of fun.

Some of my trucks and build progression at https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcTrucks.aspx

I additionally get a kick out of constructing homes/bridges/and so forth for occasions – a few of these are right here – https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/RcBuildings.aspx

My most bold construct took 5 years to (nearly) full – https://www.wittenburg.co.uk/Play/FordF5Coe.aspx

If you’re interested, apply here – I will personally review your application and reach out 🙂

Music festivals with camping are magical ways to build community and inspire yourself around other like minded and curious people. I never attended these events until a near death experience prioritized my love of dancing in my early 30. Now nearly 10 years later I’m even more convinced this is the way.

Other neighbours would be working on projects in their yard. I offered to help. We get to talking. Some of us had kids around the same age who started hanging out.

I show movies in my yard when the weather is nice and invite people over. We make a big potluck dinner and hang out.

I care a lot about global warming and climate change. One of the biggest impacts we can have as individuals is at the local level. Help out with municipal elections and support councillors who are going to help reduce traffic, make streets safer, help develop community infrastructure, etc. Go to zoning by-law meetings and press for mixed-use neighbourhoods. There’s lots you can do here.

I also play music and enjoy board gaming. I meet other musicians through gigs or friends and we jam together, etc. I’ve joined gaming groups at my local game store on and off when I get into a good game.

There are lots of ways to get out and get local. Start helping people in your community get what they need is a good way to start.

Since the rounds of the tournament are randomized groups of four, every round is a chance to introduce yourself to three other players and learn each others’ names. If you come back regularly, you’ll start to recognize and be recognized by the other regulars. Everyone gets to know each other better at a natural and unforced pace.

I’ve been playing every Wednesday night for about a year, and I like it so much that I’m shifting my work schedule so I can join the same local regulars for a Thursday night tournament at a different arcade too.

I really hope you have the chance to give it a try!

You can find tournaments in your area at: https://www.ifpapinball.com/calendar/#

Some years ago I was looking for an activity to get into that met the following needs:

  * Helps others
  * Physically active
  * Outdoors / in nature
  * Requires specialized skills
  * Gives back to the community

I was entertaining things like the local trail building groups when an article about our local Search and Rescue team mentioned they were having a recruiting meeting the next week. I applied and was accepted.

It’s a highly rewarding activity – literally saving peoples lives at times – with a high-calibre of like-minded people from an incredibly diverse array of backgrounds.

I’ve recently moved away though and in my new area, I’ve joined the volunteer fire department which has a lot of the same features and benefits.

We don’t gather for the sake of gathering with each other, but for the sake of the shared oath that consists of various practices and beliefs, one of which requires that we gather.

And the venue of this gathering is at enough locations that I can have this experience far from home even. The sense of community is transcends the boundaries of my locale.

I’m a Muslim. The place is a Masjid.

Having a dog is a huge plus since dogs are generally playful and can be a great way to start a conversation.

There’s a local developer community that hosts meetups every month that I’m a part of. They also have a slack group

I’m in a slack spiritual group. I don’t really care about the spiritual aspect, it’s kind of interesting, I guess. They’re just very thoughtful interesting people and now some of my closest friends

See Also

Wholesome childhood improvement by means of outside dangerous play: Navigating the stability with damage prevention

I am trying to rebuild some of they now https://micro.mu

Community has been hard, especially meeting new folks. There have been a few community tech events that have come and gone, and I’ve been lucky enough to meet a few friends through that.

I joined a gym 4 years ago, and a lot of my friends now I’ve met through that gym.

Is it common for strangers to actually approach each other in the gym? At least here everyone goes from machine to machine listening to music and making as little contact as possible and the few times I’ve been approached was just to ask how many sets I have left. I’ve been surprised just how much that seems to differ from place to place.

Also, you come back starving because you’ve burned calories, probably eating way more than you should due to being famished.

And it’s also extremely boring. I’ve tried it once or twice, but I just can’t handle it.

Genuinely interested in how some people manage to consistently keep going to the gym.

Food, I eat between 4K and 5k calories per day and I’m close to 10% body fat. I love eating.

Re: boring. Lift heavy, it’s supposed to be challenging. It should require focus and concentration. Don’t use machines, those are boring.

I would never go if it were exclusively for aesthetic, strength, or health benefits. For me it lifts my mood like nothing else, anytime I feel like not going I know it is my I unexercised mind telling me stories, once I start moving weight it’s like changing a radio station in my head and the negative affect fades away.

If you have health goals in mind, there are a lot of things at the gym that support them.

For example, one friend was overweight and it was recommended that in addition to cardio, he have strength training. He goes a couple nights a week and goes through the strength training stations. He’s lost 7 inches on his waist in the last few months.

Another friend goes for the exercise classes

I did the gym years ago, but nowadays I bought a used stairmaster for cheap and set it up in my house. I read for pleasure and do it while on the stairmaster. I also hike with others frequently, but days I can’t this works for me.

Weight training is the most cognitively demanding thing I’ve ever done, not at all mindless or boring. Using proper form and technique is essentially a martial art, and takes tremendous skill and focus, and can advance in skill limitlessly. As a competitive strongman, I’m also always pushing my skills by lifting and carrying new objects that require different skills and techniques. Some “feats of strength” have taken years of training and strategizing to accomplish. Walking on a treadmill is still boring to me and I avoid it. For the gym to be fun and engaging it needs to be both cognitively and physically demanding, yet possible to accomplish.

Alcohol is a double-edged sword because it breaks down barriers. It’s your call what you do with the information and experiences it provides. It isn’t too bad if you’re careful.

You can take all that as a way to level up and be more sociable in sober settings like coffee shops. It translates to everywhere. People aren’t different when they’re sober apart from being slightly more defensive due to stress. That’s actually a pretty good conversation starter if done in a non-confrontational way. The main skill is just learning to be genuinely interested in other people. It’s easy to mimic this and return the favor when you’ve seen enough of this kind of attention given to you.

Now we have friends we hike with, mountain bike with, ski with, go mushroom foraging, host dinners, play trivia, etc.

The larger juggling community is great too–there are little festivals and larger conventions all over the world, with great shows but also great social scenes.

I met my spouse at a university juggling club. Neither of us attended the university, but we were both club members, as were lots of our friends [after a while, anyway].

About 5 years ago my wife finally wore me down and we got an English Bulldog. The friends that we made at the dog park have become some of our closest friends, and it’s great having friends that you don’t work with because you don’t end up talking about work.

I’m not a very extraverted person by any means but whenever I’m out with the dog I end up talking to people I never would have. Especially when I take him to a dog friendly bar (shoutout to DBA in the East Village!)

For (1)- climbing, board games, team sports are all some ways I specifically do this for, but in a large city almost anything you find interesting probably has a group.

For (2)- I think it’s worth explicitly going in with the mindset that you want to be social. For example, I go to the gym for some me time. I have zero gym friends (even though it is a good place to make friends, if you want to). So just showing up won’t be enough IMO

For (3)- community needs investment. Most of the best groups I am in did not provide a lot of value to me for months. So you have to stick it out

But lately I’ve been working so much I barely have time for anyone or anything besides an occasional climb and spending time with my partner.

If you’re a grieving Dad and are looking for support from other grieving Dads, please email me at milancurcic@hey.com.

Sadly, in my experience, few Coworking spaces provide the things good communities provide.

I recommend trying all the Coworking spaces near you until you find the one that feels right.

Like good coffee shops, it’s usually the ones that aren’t part of a chain that are best. High-end interior design, flashy marketing and all the amenities you can imagine aren’t the things that matter.

I guess similar things exist for Golf and pickleball.

I grew up in India and now live in the U.S.

Socializing or being a part of a community is surprisingly very very hard.

I know rather more Indians who play cricket. I think you have to have critical mass to get a cricket team going though… Not everywhere has enough interest.

I was talking about socializing outside of “in groups” which is what I found challenging.

My wife and I go every month and people started inviting us to post-event activities. We know most of the regulars by name and even people I don’t know recognize us. It’s super casual and everyone is just there to enjoy the outdoors while they work on their projects.

I think a lot of the advice like “join the church” or “do an activity” are lost on chronically online people like myself.

For us, it should be “find an online community that makes you challenge yourself to improve”, but it’s hard to articulate that.

I just don’t think someone should live 100% online. Having real life and strong relationships is pretty valuable, also for your mental health.

2 – Monthly board game night. Very similar to #1, but I mention it because it’s much less formal. There’s a small group of neighbors in my little neighborhood. Once a month or so one of us will text the group and say “Who’s up to board games? I can do Wed or Thurs”. Usually have 3-5 people actually show up so far. But it’s been fun.

3 – “Knit Night”. My wife recently joined a group of people who like to do more … traditional style crafting. Mostly crocheting and knitting. Though there’s a little bit of quilting. And sometimes people show up and draw. One time one person did a stained glass kit. But they just get together every other week, take turns hosting.

4 – Band. My wife joined a local for-adults band. A former band-instructor from a local highschool formed it. They do performances in the community 4 or 5 times a year. Apparently these kinds of bands are pretty common. Probably could ask a local conductor at a highschool, middle school, or community college if they know of one locally.

Cafelug

Megajuegos

Even when I’m not an active member on some ones, I will carry them with me for ever.

Aside of that, any hiking group I found.

It works pretty well as an adult too. Take an in person class. Something 1-2 days a week for a couple months. You meet people and you learn something.

(Still wouldn’t go back to the office.)

The Seattle festival is this weekend, see: https://honkfestwest.org/

– Meetup.com
– If you don’t find a community for something you want to do, then start one!

– Local sports clubs

– Volunteering

– Start going to EDM parties – pretty soon you’ll see the same people. Say, “hi”.

– Facebook groups for pretty much everything.

– Do what kids in the 80’s did, and many still do: go to the local playground, and ask if you could also play with them.

You’re not too old, you’re not too “different”. Don’t be a pussy, and get out of your head.

I was a stay at home dad for a couple years, and I made a lot of long term friends this way. In one case I saw a guy riding his bike with a 2yo on the back so we chased them down and asked if they wanted to hang out and do bike nerd stuff together. That was almost 6 years ago and we’re still friends

I used to be feeling very lonely working distant. We moved to a Memphis TN to be nearer to household and I used to be scuffling with feeling like an outsider. I grew up taking part in sports activities and tried CrossFit however hated paying a lot for a health club. F3 exercises are free and I believed I used to be going for the health facet, however the fellowship is what actually caught. Guys frolicked after exercises and it was nice to satisfy so many guys from so many various walks of life.

I would also say to be hyper-aware around communities that try to make a “second family”. They can be fine, but can also lead to some toxic attachment/codependency and result in some gnarly outcomes. Moderation is key.

Also if you make the community, you grow a community more. This happened when I became a teacher. I don’t do it as much nowadays, though. You could equally have a solid community by organizing events, creating groups or some type of thing online like-minded people can find you by as a beacon of sorts.

So, if possible, finding groups that align with deeply held values you have is a good sign or activities you deeply enjoy. It’s probably good if it’s something outside of tech unless that’s something you mainly 100% care about.

I wasn’t athletic before I started running and I wasn’t a dancer before I started square dancing, so I think an important aspect is stepping out of your comfort zone yo try something new.

The common element was that they were all new to town.

One girl declined my spare room but said she’d like to see me again, and one time I told a guy he had some cool pics in his profile, and we ended grabbing a drink and formed a bit of a friend group around playing board games.

So… maybe go house hunting?!

They actually just announced their next theme today and are looking for submissions that are based on serpents. Their “inspriation” page is like a floating museum gallery (so long as you’re not using IE/Edge)

https://moonmusiq.com/serpents-compilation-info/

Less for the “i can’t focus without some external accountability”-pitch it seems to market itself as and more for the serendipitous network of people doing interesting things

Chess isn’t even something we regularly talk about, anymore.

And of course, as others have said, volunteering.

My girlfriend has made a group of very close friends by playing scrabble with them every Thursday for many years.

It seems like it’s a great context to have a scheduled time to spend time together.

Any kind of festival. Music festival. Art festival. Craft festival.

Everyone drops their guard and you can talk to them.

Another one you can do: volunteer at a shelter. If you are still hiding from covid, try volunteering for Habitat For Humanity. Less people interaction on the latter.

Most of his social life is online games these days like Destiny 2, Dead Island 1/2, etc. He’s happy enough. I did the online circle of friends thing back in the Destiny 1 days and it was fun enough. I’m less extroverted, so don’t need as much social time.